Here is my story, I have told it to only a few people and have kept it a secret for 3 yrs now. Even my pastor has kept it on the back burner, if this will help me reach out to others then here it goes. Let it bring glory to Jesus.
Since I was 7 yrs old I was in bondage to pornography I’m 40 yrs old and was delivered from that bondage when I was 37. Since that time God has taken completely away any urges to masturbate or view pornography, God has allowed me to fall in love with my wife of 15 yrs for the “right” reasons all over again and our lovemaking is more exciting now than when I was in bondage. HE has restored our finances and blessed our home, HE has given me a reason for living again and I know that HE has great things planned for me.
I was first exposed to pornography when I would go into my dad’s little workshop that he had made out of one the utility closets in our apartment. On his wall he had nude pictures of women and I would secretly go in there and stare at them, I didnt understand what I was looking at but it awoke something inside of me and I also started masturbating at that time also, there are other things I was exposed to but those memories are too painful to go back to and it would dishonor my dad and I dont hold any blame towards him at all because he doesnt know what he did would affect me he was only doing what his fathers did before him and I have forgiven him and still love him even though at age 75 he stills watches scrambled porn on cable. By the way that curse has been broken and it will no longer be passed down to my 2 sons!
I had a typical up bringing and went to church and did the status quo but secretly every chance I got I would seek out the usual mags and videos when I could. Just going into a convience store I would look at the covers of the magazines to get my fix when I was under 18 it was all that i needed at that time.
I never hardly had any girlfriends because I didnt have any healthy role models, playboy and penthouse was where I got my learning from and the women in those magazines became my girlfriends.
When I became 18 and got a job I had the money to be more daring in feeding my addiction especially working nights as I did for alot of years but I always kept on the fringe while going to church at the same time, I was smart enought not to get myself into a situation that would expose me. As time passed I met my wife and thought that my bondage would end but I married her for all the wrong reasons… I married her because of the sex I would get and had repressed for so many years it was like an alcoholic working in a brewery. But it didnt satisfy me and I got more bolder viewing pornography since I worked nights and my wife worked during the day, now I hated going into adult book stores and spending our hard earned money if it was only a few dollars at a time. I can still smell the odor from inside those places.
I had gotten away from church also and God and we were always living from paycheck to paycheck it was putting my marriage on the rocks, we never seemed to have enough at the end of the week or month so when I didnt have any extra money to waste just simply going into and looking at the adult movies covers in the local movie rental store would satisfy my craving then I would bring it into our bedroom. The Lord had been working on me during this time and His Holy Spirit kept talking to me and I knew I had a problem and wanted out. I tried different things to be free but I did it in secret and would never completely surrender, I always held back 2 percent and Now I know God wants 100 percent from us.
This kept on for a number of years and there were so many times where I almost got caught in the act but managed to escape without incident.
Then one day while my wife was at work and my little boy was sleeping in his room I watched 2 hours of the playboy channel and found myself never being fulfilled I had had enough and comtemplated suicide, I was tired, hurt,and felt that my family would be better off without me. I couldnt live this double life any longer or else they would put me in a mental hospital, so as I was preparing dinner after finally turning off the cable t.v. as I was cutting onions I put the blade to my wrist , I was so scared I didnt want to die but I couldnt go on any longer, I had prayed so many times to be free… then that is when the Lord spoke to me as I put the blade to my wrist… He said “YOU DONT HAVE THAT RIGHT TO TAKE YOUR LIFE, ONLY I HAVE THAT RIGHT SO PUT THE KNIFE DOWN GO INTO YOUR BEDROOM AND GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND ASK ME TO DELIVER YOU THE RIGHT WAY LIKE A REAL MAN!”
I went into that room and did what I was told crying for a solid hour asking for repentence and deliverence, I was totally broken and had no where to go.
A few weeks passed after that and I noticed that my urges had left me. I confided to a very dear christian elder who was vendor at where I worked, I asked him to pray for me if he would and he said no problem and then he left to take care of his products.
One week later this elder came to me on his day off to my job and asked if he could speak to me privately it was urgent that he speak to me.
He told me that one night he was praying for me and as he was praying he saw me in a cloud and wrapped around me were very thick heavy ropes and I couldnt move at all then he said he heard God’s voice in the background saying” I HAVE HEARD RANDAL’S PLEA FOR DELIVERENCE AND REPENTENCE AND I WILL NOW RELEASE HIM FROM HIS BONDAGE. I HAVE GREAT PLANS FOR HIM BECAUSE OF HIS EARNEST PRAYER BUT HE MUST BE PATIENT.”
My friend told me during this time the heay thick ropes that held me in bondage started falling off one by one and I was free. At that moment my friend put his hand on my shoulder crying and told me “God loves you Randal, be patient he has great plans for you”.
Then he gave me a hug and walked away praising God.
That was 3 yrs ago and I must admit I was very skeptical when he spoke to me but I cannot deny what has happened to me and there are so many times when I think the ride is going to end and Im going to fall off but everytime Christ tells me that He wont let me fall off because His Love for me has me strapped in for eternity.
There is so much more to this story, if this will help anyone then let it be done and let glory be given to Christ!