A Long Hard Road to Jesus Christ

I’m 27 years old now and my life has been a big mess until I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior. I have seen and been through many terrible things and I felt so alone in the world for a very long time. I couldn’t love or trust anyone. I had a big empty void in my heart and I just couldn’t find a way to fill it. I realize now that God was always with me and I just didn’t know it at the time. If it weren’t for Him, I doubt I would be alive today. One of my favorite passages is Ephesians 6, the armor of God. I struggled with a very severe spiritual battle from an early age. I thought if I told people some things that happened in my life that they would assume I was just a crazy person. I know now it was very real and not as uncommon as some may think. So here is my story…….
It started before I could even remember myself. I wasn’t told of these things until I was older. I guess, they didn’t want to scare me or didn’t think I would believe it happened. Either way, my mother was a very young mother….13 years old is when she had me. Some neighbors would watch me for her, so she could try and support me. She noticed some very strange behavior from me and her first thought was abuse. She thought maybe I was being molested but she definitely knew something was wrong. Well, come to find out these people were in a satanic cult and were dedicating me as their sacrifice. I was very young and I can’t recall anything that may have happened to me but a little later on…I realized I knew things I shouldn’t and just feeling a presence around me at all times, but I could never place the origin. My mother married and he knew about occult stuff and noticed how weird my behavior was for such a young girl. So he said they prayed for me one night in my bed. Apparently, I rose off the bed and spoke in a very strange voice. They took me to church the next Sunday and I projectile vomited everywhere during the sermon, and told my parents that I felt better.
My mother and step father were married until I was about 14. I had a fairly normal life at that time. I was an all American cheerleader, played all sports, attended church, had a third degree black belt in two forms of karate, and just lived a pretty good life. My real father had finally come in to my life. So I would visit and started getting to know that side of the family. I thought they were great and really enjoyed going. The first time my real father touched me, I literally blocked it from my mind. I remembered it for a couple of days and then I just shoved it to the back of my mind like it never even happened.
My mother eventually left my step father and that’s when my life turned upside down. My step dad was a cop and I always behaved, because I knew I would get caught if I acted up. So once they split up, my mother reunited with a guy she use to know and from the moment I met him, I knew he was just a very bad man. I just had the worst feeling in my gut when she introduced him. Anyways, I started listening to metal and dressing gothic because things weren’t as strict, and I could get away with much more. So we moved in a house with some family and my mom’s new boyfriend. That is when things got very weird for me. When we moved in the house had pentagrams in wax on the floor, the room I picked had been painted black, and there was just weird occult stuff around the house. I found so little stones with weird symbols and I would play with them not really knowing what they were. So weird stuff began to happen to me. Stuff flew and hit me, my pictures flew off the walls and broke, weird sounds, and I seen things at night in my room. The thing was everyone seen it happening but it was only towards me and only if I was home. It just really creeped me out. I was close to my real dad and chose to go live with him. I just couldn’t handled the way things were there and not to mention the way everyone would fight (and did drugs in secret at that time)
Things seemed good but my dad ended up doing some more inappropriate things to me and only after he had me drink with him. I felt so alone and felt like no one would understand if I told them. So I kept it to myself. I was sneaking and smoking pot and just really changing my attitude on life. I just stopped caring anymore. My mom moved to the city I was in so I moved back in with her. I quit basketball(which was the only thing I really enjoyed anymore) just because I got into a pretty brutal fight with a girl. I mean I really beat this girl bad and I didn’t want to suffer the consequences with my coach….so I just quit. I smoked pot, drank like crazy, skipped school constantly, and was just mean to anyone who tried to mess with me. My granny died and that’s when I really started to hate everything. I started cutting myself, popping pills, and drinking a lot….a whole lot. I was only 15 but I pretty much did whatever I wanted. Well eventually moved back in with my aunt and then came the drugs.
Started doing cocaine and speed. Drank until I was sick. I hung out with some very crazy people. We were nothing but trouble. I would beat girls up for fun and even guys for that matter. I was known as the girl who could drink, do drugs, and party with the best of them. I was arrested for the first time for possession of marijuana but I didn’t care. My family was falling apart. My aunt whom I loved dearly was going crazy from the drugs. I mean psychotic crazy. We had to get out of bed in the middle of the night and use night vision goggles, she thought people could climb under the doors, the animals had chips from the cops in them, and just really bad stuff. My mom’s new husband started beating her, they never paid the bills, and we ended up living in a nasty motel. I hated life. Not to mention, my step dad would hang out in our attic and no one knew what he was doing up there. I found out later that him and my aunt were into some kind of witchcraft stuff.
Things were bad for a long time then. I won’t even go into half of the horrible things I seen and did…..just know it was something a girl my age shouldn’t be around. I was pregnant at 16 and lost the baby. I finally spoke up about my dad abusing me but nothing ever really happened with it. We would move house to house and city to city. We moved to Georgia back in with my aunt again. I dropped out of school and just drank all day every day. My aunt ended up flipping out on us and trying to kill us. We ended up in North Carolina. Things were semi ok until my aunt found us and started messing with us again. So off to New Mexico we went. My brother and I rode in the back of a truck under a tarp with two dogs the whole way. It was not pleasant. When we got there we were homeless and broke. So we lived at the lake a few days and then stayed in the shelter until we got a house.
Then I really started using drugs. A whole new level. I was uncontrollable and met a guy and fell in love. He got a couple of hundred of thousands of dollars and we really partied. Eventually, he held me down and shot me up with heroine. I overdosed from too much and already had so much cocaine and speed in my system. We just kept up this lifestyle and I was also a full fledged alcoholic at 17. We did some really crazy stuff and I will leave it at that. He tried to shoot a guy one night and ran from the cops. He tried to run leaving me in the truck with all the drugs and I was arrested for trafficking and distribution. He wasn’t. I was waiting my court date and he was driving all crazy one day, and wrecked the truck. I switched seats with him and ended up with aggravated dwi, but he loved me so it was worth it right? nope. I ended up in juvie for awhile then they sent me to rehab. I was covered in bruises from shooting dope and I barely weighed 90-100 lbs. It was horrible. The withdrawals were so painful. I decided I would really quit the dope and I did for a little while. He came back around and I was back on it. He got super violent and tried to kill me several times. He ended up beating me so bad and thankfully someone called the cops. They pulled him off of my unconscious body while he had almost choked me to death.
I took off to my uncles and went back to school. I still drank and smoked pot, but no more drugs. I was on many medications for anxiety because of all the bad things that were done to me. I couldn’t be at home alone even in the day because of my trauma, I was constantly terrified. I ended up working hard and graduated. Moved around a little and ended up back in New Mexico. Met another abusive guy and ended up in jail for forgery. My mom and the dopeheads stayed at home and I worked. They didn’t pay the bills and I ended up with no electricity and no food. I was literally starving and living in the dark. We moved around things got worse. My mom’s first husband who took good care of me took me in and life was getting a little better. Finally got rid of the abusive boyfriend. Tried to straighten up but I never could quit drinking. It consumed me each and every day. I was in and out of depression and just couldn’t fix myself. Weird spiritual stuff was happening again and I just was so completely lost. In and out of relationships and trying to get better, but never got there until my daughter. I was better for awhile but still drinking like a fish. I just couldn’t stop.
My friends got really into church and were trying to take me but I just wasn’t sure. One night, I was so drunk and going to kill myself. I just hated myself so much. They came and picked me up and took me to a bunch of people from church. They started praying for me and it took them 3 hours to get all the bad spirits gone. Apparently, I attacked them and everything. I did great for awhile served God whole heartedly went back to school. Then boom back to drinking and partying. Couldn’t find a decent guy. My daughters dad and I were off and on. I moved around for years never really settling down because nothing worked out. Finally, this summer my uncle died and I was on my way to see him and bam another DWI. Found out I was pregnant again and my and fiancée moved back with my mom’s first husband(which has been a great father to me) and his new wife(who is the most amazing and understanding person I ever knew) and we are now trying to get on our feet. We have a beautiful 3 week old girl and I have truly gave my life back to God. For real this time. He is doing amazing things with me and for me and I’m so thankful. He led me back to him and is fixing things I messed up. My fiancée hasn’t gave his life to God but I just pray he decides to. If God is in control then that’s is the only one to feel true peace and love. God has taken me a druggie, alcoholic, mean, and unloving person and fixed me. I still have work to do but he is changing me more everyday. Like Jesus said…”Come to Me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.” I wish everyone would open their hearts to Him then they would understand true love. I feel this passage is great pertaining to my life Job 12:22 He reveals mysteries from the darkness, and brings the deep darkness into light. I love that verse because after wondering why I lived in all the darkness and pain for so long…I mean it was terrible. I didn’t share half of the horrors I went through. God has took that darkness in me and shared his light with me. His love is pure and true. He will never leave or forsake me like people have. If I trust in Him, He will take care of me and He proves it everyday. Thank for your time and reading my testimony….I just hope it serves in bringing God glory one day. I hope lost people can relate to my story and see they are not alone. I am a perfect example of God’s grace and mercy. I turned my back on Him and He still led me back to Him. I was hurt and alone a big part of my life but He healed that brokenness in me. He taught my love and forgiveness, and most of all brought me peace and salvation. Salvation is the greatest gift of all. One day all this evil and sin will be destroyed, and Jesus has prepared an awesome place for us. We may suffer in this life but when we are in heaven, we will never suffer again. So share the word with others….let them know of your hope and peace in Jesus Christ. God our Rock, our Redeemer, and our Savior! God Bless You All!