liar and miserable mom gets delivered

I was desperate and did not know the meaning of love. My mother didnt either, nor her mother. There was religion but not true…we went from lutheran and methodist, to nothing, to judaism. Then I was kicked out of the house at 16. So of course I moved in with my boyfriend! Not good. Much drugs, muchcraziness but I was young and had alot of energy so I worked 2-3 jobs and finished high school at an alternative high school in the mornings. I didnt” march” or attend my graduation cuz I was working and has rent to pay.
When my boyfriend kicked me ou;t I got married…at the ripe old age of 18! He was very abusive and I finally got out barely with my life, 3 yrs into it. In that time: I was on the bus riding to work and found a little red book. It was bible verses, and was made to look like a little tiny Bible! I loved it. I had found one when I was a teenager too and kept it hidden along time. I could not let anyone ee it cuz I was jewish and we werent supposed to believe in Jesus. But somehow I always knew there was power in those little verses and that someday Jesus would be the one to rescue me IF…IF…IF it would ever happen at all. So I hid it again and pulled it out to touch it lovingly sometimes. I never read the words cuz I was afraid to.
The first time someone told me about Jesus was in the detention home. I spent close to a month in there alone in a cell for drug abuse and unruliness. Some grls came in from a church to talk to all of us one on one. I totally ignored her but my heart was breaking. The next time a religious representative came in it was a man from the synagogue who came to tell me I was a disgrace to the jewish religion. Yeah. that helped alot!
So after I left my husband I got a divorce. I met my present husband at my job where I knew him for years. he asked me out and we ended up married. my poor husband didnt know what he was in for. through all the drugsand depressions, psyvhiatrists and mental hospitals we raised 5 children slowly and he stuck by me. He had come to Christ the first year we were married but never grew cuz he didnt get in a good church. I made a profession of faith thro a TV show about the same time but it wasnt real. Just enough to convince me that God is real -but not enough to change me.
After 15 yrs of misery, I went to my pastors wife and asked her to help me go to some in-house christian psych place.We had gotten into great church and there the pastors wife just loved me and my family like we were her own. She was ready and waiting for me to ask just such a question. We went to Broken Arrow in Tucson and stayed for a 3day session!

To make a long story short they chipped away at my years of lies and fantasy to try to get at whar was behind all te lies and drugs. They read 2Corinthians 7:11 and it HIT ME> I couldnt be saved because everything I did was for ME! All those years I had cooked pumpkin bread for the missionaries and cleaned toilets at church. I sang in the choir and taught sunday scho too. I went on visitation, and had my family at church everytime the doors were open! But it did not help, and I could tell the others had something I did not have. I made 5 or 6 professions of faith with the baptisms after, but there I was 2000 miles from home just so I could see what a FAKE I was! But the good part was that I did get “clearing” of myself as the verse says and I would now be careful for what God thought of me and my actions.!
“For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you; yea what clearing of yourselves…In all ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter” 2Cor.7:11 Irealized that I only did what would makeme look like a good Christian! I was LOST. and I was shocked! I sank to my knees to ask Jesus into my heart and to forgive me of my sin…Satan jumped in and asked why in the world Jesus would do that?? I grew afraid and stopped. then the verse came to mind;God is” not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.” 2Pet3:9 and “As I live saith the Lord God, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked; but that the wicked turn from his way and live:turn ye” Ezek. 33:11 I told Satan that God promised He would.
God saved me and changed me so much! I dont use drugs. the day I was saved I flushed them down the toilet and never looked back! I am not a liar anymore. My husband can trust me and my children have all forgiven me ; making the Lord their saviour toi! We all go to church together and serve the Lord. I have a part in our churches counseling ministry that sprung up out of the beautiful people who showed me the Way to the Lord thro the thick darkness. PRAISE THE LORD! I know that I am no good without Jesus, that all that IS good in me is because of the Lord. I am so thankful that I can look in te mirror and not hate who I see. That I now have love to give to my children. Its all because of Jesus Christ.
There’s so much more to this story nut theres not room for it all. I am certainly open to any and all questions.
“When my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I”