Freedom from Sexual Addiction

I am dying within and do not know what to do, I've been involved in sexual intercourse since I was 27 (although before then, I've had a lot of masturbation).During my courtship, I slept with over five ladies, before I got married in 2005 to a virgin young lady, but afterward no month ever passed without having sex with another woman, which I know was wrong. Today, as I'm writing this comment, I gad just had a casual sex with a lady I'd bid farewell since 2005.This problem is actually responsible for my in-ability to make my wife pregnant because I was diagnosed of having low sperm count. I first gave my life to CHRIST in December, 1990. Please, somebody help me out.

My names is Sandy and I was born in Minnesota. I want to thank all of you who have posted their testimonies. I have felt very alone and it was encouraging to know there are others going through similar struggles. I have looked for a website like this a long time.

My addiction started with a very basic need - to feel wanted, loved, desired. I used to fantasize from a very young age about having someone in my life. My home life was fairly normal and healthy. But every addiction starts with a desire, and grows into an addiction when fed.

I have always been a Christian and never imagined my future marriage to be anything but my husband and I, both virgins. Although I didn't have sex in my teens, I did other physical things, with guys I was seeing. Some were Christians, and some were not. I foolishly rationalized that as long as it wasn't sex, it was okay. But it was not. I would drive home at night, toss and turn and sleep restlessly, then wake up to the guilt that loomed all day. It lifted when I confessed my sin to God and vowed not to do it anymore.

I met a non-Christian guy who I started hanging out with, with no intention to date. Before I knew it, we were involved in a physical relationship. One night he asked if I wanted to have sex, and I said I couldn't because I was a virgin. That led to a long talk about where we stood, and I told him I couldn't be with him. I hugged him good-bye and went home.

The next morning I was devastated. I don't know what was wrong with me, but the thought of not being with him was tearing me up. It wasn't as if we had a lot in common, and I knew he was reasonable experienced sexual and I didn't want that (I still wanted my wedding night to be the first for my husband and I). But he was the first guy who wanted to be with me all the time. He fed that old, destructive desire and I came running back.

This was the start of almost two years of anger, tears and pain. I thought I wanted to marry him, but only if he became a Christian. He feigned interest, but not very well. I went much more his way than he went mine. Eventually one night, we had a few drinks and ended up having sex. It was only a bit of intercourse with no "climax", but still we were freaked out that I might have got pregnant somehow.

After this, there were more battles. He felt that we should have a physical relationship, that it was normal. I wanted to back up.

I grew to hate him because of his disdain towards my family, friends and faith. He didn't like anything that kept me from him.

I met an older man through work. Although he wasn't much to look at, he was charming and made me feel wanted again. He was also smart. He allowed me to do all the work in my mind before he said anything. He claimed that he was waiting to be divorced. By the time we got together at his house to "talk" I was lonely and craving attention. We didn't have sex that night but we did kiss and touch.

He would sneak over to my place late at night and eventually we had sex. I did it partly because I wanted to and partly because I wanted to get back at my boyfriend for all the hatred.

I closed my eyes on all my morals and convictions. Sex is a lot easier to do after the first time.

Out of guilt, I cut off the relationship with the older man, and decided to really try with my boyfriend. He faked a Christian conversion, and we got engaged. Yet something was terribly wrong.

It became apparent that he did this only to marry me, and we got into a huge fight and broke up. I was devastated for weeks. Then the older man came back into my life. I tried to numb my hurt by being with him.

I then found out he was still married, not separated and definitely not waiting on a divorce. He also had a very shady past with other women. I felt angry and used, but I knew I deserved it. I ignored God's rules and therefore did not deserve his protection. It was interesting how God put someone in my way to tell me what this guy was all about. I probably would have carried on, oblivious, if God had not.

I wanted badly to live right and find a good man to marry. The winter was cold, long and lonely, and the old desires started stirring again. I don't need to go into detail, but it always seemed there was someone, always the wrong guy waiting just when I thought I needed him. I had several physical relationships, some lasting several months. I knew in my heart I had to get out but wasn't sure how. I read Neil Anderson's "A Way of Escape" but my heart was so hard and so stubborn it didn't change me. I went back to church but only felt guilty the whole time. I longed to feel free and clean again.

A couple of years ago I reached my breaking point and turned back to God. I was strong for several years and thought I had left the old nature behind. But when faced with hurt and rejection again, I jumped right back into it.

The guys I was with couldn't understand why I felt such guilt and uncertainty. To secular people, sex is normal and healthy. They didn't understand that my spirit was dying, I was being crushed.

I have finally reached my breaking point and have accepted that I have a big problem. The most dangerous thing is thinking it is gone just because I felt spiritually secure. That posts a challenge to the devil - he doesn't want anyone living for God, and if he can snatch someone from God he is happy to do it. But John 10:28 says "I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand."

No one or thing can "take" us away from God unless we allow it - whether it's because of weakness, insecurity, desires.

Now that I know my weaknesses and the things that "ensnare" me (I put that in quotation marks because often I allow myself to be ensnared...it's not a complete trap)and I know how devastated I feel after I give in to my weakness, I must prepare ahead of time.

Do you think that a recovering alcoholic would have any success if he kept alcohol around the house? NO! In the same way, if you are struggling or addicted you need to rid yourself, your house, everything of things that will be a stumbling block to you. If its men, throw away old phone numbers, pictures, mementos. Delete email addresses. Don't respond when they contact you, because they will. As soon as the devil is aware you're cleaning house, he is going to turn up the heat and send every possible stumbling block your way!!! Write down how separation from God has made you feel. And when you're at home and lonely, and even tempted to give a guy friend a call, pull it out and read it. Ask yourself if you want to feel this way in the morning, because you know you will. Post reminders for yourself all over the house. It is so easy to forget how badly you once felt as time passes, but the feeling after is always the same, sometimes worse. You're not only contending with your sin, you're contending with repeated sin which brings a lot more shame and guilt. James 4:7 says "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

There are two sets of instruction - submit to God and resist the devil. Only then will he flee from you.

Parents, when you tell your teens about sex, do not just focus on pregnancy or STD's; rather, explain the emotional consequences. If your child is a Christian, communicate to them how devastating it is to be separated from God, how humiliating it is to explain to your future partner just how many people you were involved with sexually, whether it included intercourse or not. I have asked God's forgiveness and prayed for every man that I have had sexual contact with, and God has forgiven me. However, I can never say that I didn't do this, and I didn't do that. I jumped in with both feet. I used to look at the bar girls as easy, sinful, etc. but if you put my history on paper and gave it to someone to read, I would be in the exact same position as them.

As an aside, is also good to explain to your kids that they don't have to have sex to get an STD. HPV can be contracted by touching the skin above the pelvic region. It causes genital warts and can lead to cervical cancer. No sexual experience is worth regular visits to the OB/GYN for a colposcomy and biopsy! Not to mention sitting in a waiting room with other worried looking girls, while hospital workers that are your neighbors and you attend church with, walk by and see you.

Herpes is another terrible disease that you can contract even if you wear a condom. I know - it happened to a friend of mine.

God makes these rules to protect us - not to keep us from having fun. As a little child, the streets look like a fun place to play, but our parents don't let us. Why? Because they know the dangers involved. And so does God, regarding sex.

If you are reading this and have similar stories, struggles, etc. and need encouragement or just someone to talk to who understands, please write me at breaking_free1979@yahoo.com

There is hope! The biggest mistake we can make after sinning against God is hiding from him. He wants us back, and he wants to restore us. Do not let sexual addiction separate you from him!

God bless you,
Sandy.