Out Of Lesbian Compromise

Today I want to share with you the story of my temporary descent into deep sin. It involves secular entertainment (music, tv, film etc), as well as certain examples of CCM, all of which gradually led me away from God and into homosexual sin.

The background information of my story begins in September 2000, and carries on up until a few short months ago.

I was a senior at an all-girls' Catholic boarding school. I had gotten saved nearly a year earlier, and I was reading the Bible almost every day. But I often found it hard to concentrate. Sometimes, a schoolmate would randomly interrupt me to ask to borrow something or some other trivial thing. Most of the girls in my dorm listened to rock, pop or hip hop music, and this often disturbed my readings.

I decided to counter this with some CCM. I had a few 4HIM CDs, which I felt and still feel are fairly well-rooted in the Word, but at that point they seemed a bit, well, boring. I received a CCM catalog in the mail, and one CD caught my eye.

The girl on the cover had a sensual, defiant, pouty expression on her face, and the description of the album had a blurb reading, 'If you like Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera, you'll love this!' I bought it, and it was a pleasant distraction from the daily grind (warning sign).

The singer was only 14 years old, but the CD insert had pictures of her heavily made up and glamorized. She posed with a flower in her hand, a symbol of innocence, yet she was being promoted as 'sexy' and 'cool'. Her vocal talent is questionable, but the beats were catchy (carnal) and the synthesisers and background instrumentation were appealing.

At best, she vaguely sang about God, but on one of the CD's interludes, titled 'My name is', she simply repeated her name to a background of hypnotic beats for 15 seconds. I've changed her name, but it ran thus:

My name is Jenny Joy Smith (echo 'Jenny Joy Smith') My name is Jenny Smith (echo 'Jenny Joy Smith') My name is Jenny Smith Jenny Smith

It was bizarre, but since it was so short, I shrugged it off.

I soon bought other CDs, similar, but less overtly sexual. However, I began to focus on listening and singing to the songs, rather than spending time with God in silence. ("Be still, and know that I am God.") I even wrote a few songs of my own, complete with music - one of which was one of the most heart-wrenching tunes I've ever heard. The song made me sad, though the lyrics were about a girl crying out to God and meeting Jesus in a powerful vision.

I slipped back into listening to secular music so easily. I had it on during much of the day; I often tuned in first thing in the morning (now I tune into God first thing in the morning; "Seek ye first the kingdom of God..") I listened to a late-night radio show dealing with the 'love life' problems of callers (mostly unmarried or adulterous, many my age <18> or younger).

The songs between calls had lyrics all about sexual-romantic love, with music to match. I became dependent on the show; I couldn't fall asleep without listening to it, or watching a concert video of a now-defunct boyband (which led me to lust and fantasise about one of the members).

I bought some of my old favorite CDs, and soon my Bible reading, church attendance and prayer were down to dangerously minimal levels. I often listened to music as a form of escape - from other people, from homework, and yes, from God. I was so caught up in cares of the world, I didn't 'have time' for God.

I thought I must be okay, since it wasn't hardcore rock or rap or overtly satanic. I learned the hard way that if it isn't focused on God, it's focused on the devil - whether deliberately or by de facto.

Then Satan decided I was ready for a bigger, more sinister trap.

I met K, a young woman in the grade below me. She was living in school temporarily while her parents were away on vacation. When I met her, she was wearing a bright rainbow-striped jacket, sporting a boyish haircut, and her overall demeanor defiantly said 'Lesbian'. She was friends with one of my younger friends, and so we became an automatic trio.

I could see the pain in her eyes, behind the hardness she had cultivated. I felt sure she was gay, but didn't mention it. I don't remember how it came up, but she followed something she'd said with a pause and then the words, "By the way, this is my way of telling you 'I'm gay.'" It was a challenge; she knew I was a Christian, and she gauged my reaction, which was to blush and stammer, "Oh, okay then..Um, I mean some Christians say that..I'm not really sure where I stand on.. um..anyway." We changed the topic out of mutual embarassment.

In the following days, I became fast friends with her. We did have an in-depth discussion/debate while sitting outside our rooms in the hall, and a few others sat down to listen and laugh at our banter. K (who also features in my main testimony) aggressively defended her sister's Wiccan beliefs, and her own sympathy and interest in them. She said something offensive to me, and I stood up, declaring, "I had no idea you could be such a b*tch." (Yes, I had also lapsed into swearing by this point.) There was an awkward lull, followed by nervous laughter. Someone cracked a joke, and I sat down again.

Soon, K and I began to hold long talks alone together in her room (danger sign). Never having met an out lesbian before, I was fascinated (more danger), and I recalled my pre-Christian ponderings of possible bisexual orientation (major danger).

Very soon, we were mutually infatuated with one another. My fear of possible latent homosexual drives led me to dwell on the possibility, analysing every word and action too deeply. The more I thought about it and analysed my past gay attractions, the more it seemed to 'make sense.'

My attraction to her, by God's grace, did not entirely overpower my desire to see her meet the Lord. My baptism was coming up in a month's time, and I prayed fervently for K (one of the few things in those days which really brought me to my knees). God was willing and able to work through me despite my imminent sin, and for that I am eternally grateful. However, that said, I was increasingly attracted to her. My curiousity led me to believe that I desired her, and indeed, we did develop a strong emotional codependence.

We spent less and less time with other friends and more and more time with each other. Our talks led late into the night, and both our academic work and our health suffered. After a night of many words, spoken and unspoken, and after days of 'testing the waters' with reciprocal flirting, I had a sense that this night would determine the direction of our relationship. Part of me wanted to literally flee (I later realised that this was the Holy Spirit urging me to flee temptation, as advised in the Bible). Part of me was rooted to the spot with nerves, and a third part of me was eager to determine my 'orientation' with a sexual experience. She did not pressure me, nor did I pressure her; we were mutually lustbound.

I reached a point at which I felt I had to say something or do something or burst. I asked her, in the line of conversation, whether she was a 'lights-on' person or a 'lights-off' person during sexual activity. She paused, then said, 'Lights-off.' I turned off the literal light as well as the light of God and fell into awkward carnal sin. Even as we sinned, I felt fear and revulsion. I also felt something leave me; but I felt strangely compelled to continue. Neither of us felt any measurable enjoyment, but we convinced ourselves and one another that we did.

When I eventually dressed and returned to my room, I looked in the mirror above my sink. I was terrified that I would see a demon looking back at me. I stared deeply into my own eyes, afraid I'd see a change.

Apart from my look of fear, I seemed the same. I had a restless sleep after agonizing over what we had done.

The next day, I felt awkward to say the least. I was afraid that someone would confront me with the rumors which had been circulated about me and K long before that night. I especially feared that B, my friend who had been instrumental in leading me to the Lord, would sense a change in me. I laughed with her about the rumors, after foolishly bringing them to her attention. I denied them; she saw through me, but never confronted me about it.

K and I avoided each other all day, but after school, she came to my room to talk. We were each unsure what the other was thinking. Somehow, we decided to engage in our sin again. Soon after, we both became very ill. I'm talking swollen glands, fever, chills, nausea, exhaustion, sinus problems, headaches, restlessness - you name it. Quarantined from lessons, we spent most of our waking hours in one another's rooms. Our caretakers thought nothing of it.

Through it all, God let K see Himself in me in some way. She asked me similar questions to the ones I had asked B shortly before receiving Christ. I continued to pray for K, and God prepared her heart.

Even though they lived in a different city, both B and K were present at my baptism. At the end of the service, K accepted Jesus. We were not free to discuss the implications of the event on our 'relationship', because B was there, and besides, K was too preoccupied jubilating in Christ. I gave her the 'bad news' that now Satan was going to pull out all the stops to get her away from God (oh if only I had listened to my own Godly wisdom), and that prayer, Bible reading and Christian fellowship were vital to her spiritual growth (at which Satan's minions must have laughed,

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